The System

Kris and I are finishing up our classes to become certified to adopt. We have a total of 9 hours left before we can start our home study, even though we have decided to take a few months before we do so. Kris and I have leased the same two bedroom condo for three years now, and have decided that we want to start our new life with our family in a house with a yard. We also realized that where our life is simple with one car right now, once our child comes in to our lives, two cars might be better. Plus we need a new computer and want new furniture as well. We decided to take a couple of months after our lease is up to stay with my mom so we can buy the things we need/want and put a few grand aside for emergencies and all of the costs that come along with having children. Then on to our home study!

Today we met the son of our PRIDE instructor. He was 13 when he was adopted. Throughout our classes we've heard so many stories of the hard and rewarding aspects of adopting an older child. As my readers (and friends and family) know, I am an honest person. I will tell you exactly what I feel, what I believe to be right and wrong, and pretty much whatever is on my mind, which is why I'm about to be super honest with you right now. I'm scared to think about the violence that might be brought in to our house after adopting. For all I know, there won't be a violent bone in my child's body, but the children who are being adopted through the foster system have all been through hell and back, and have survived to re-live the tale over and over again in their heads. I understand why children in the system have violent tendencies. For a lot of them, that is all they ever knew. To them, seeing a happy family smiling and laughing is weird. My fear about violence isn't, "Will I get hurt?" Let's be honest, this is parenthood. Of course you'll get hurt. My fear is that if my child has violent tendencies, which  we will work diligently to heal if that is the case, is that my friends and family might not want him around. What if my best friend thinks he's a bad influence for her son? Or if my sister-in-law is afraid to babysit him? What if my family ostracizes him? My family and friends are awesome, and I don't think they would intentionally do these things, but it's hard not to wonder. Our instructor's son used to corner her and punch holes in the wall right next to her face. He's 25 now, married and with his first child on the way. Today when he talked to us he explained that that violence was his normal growing up. He never once saw a loving and stable relationship. Plus he wasn't sure about the permanency of his adoption. He tested it, which is to be expected. When he realized that his mom wasn't go to kick him out and on to another foster family or group home, he realized that this was HIS family. The way he talked about his mom made it VERY clear that he loves her with all of his heart, and it hurts him that he put her through that. I really hope that my child will feel the same way about me.

I want to end this post on a positive note, though. When I finally realized that I wouldn't be able to give birth I realized that my name would never be on a birth certificate. It broke my heart for a long while, but today we found out that after our adoption is finalized our child will be issued a fresh new birth certificate with our names on it for parents. How cool is that?!?

Ever Wonder What Infertility Feels Like?

Why Are We Doing This?

Please take 15 minutes to watch what our children go through before they are put in foster care and what happens after. 

I know we're just embarking on what will be a rough and long journey, but it is going to be SO rewarding.

Overcoming My Fears...

Are you sure you know what you're getting in to?

This seemingly harmless and usually genuine question can get many reactions from me. When Kris and I first told people that we were adopting, everyone assumed we meant an infant, but that's not our plan at all. We got more positive and uplifting reactions from family and friends then then negative, but a lot of people have preconceived notions of what a foster child is. I mean, who can blame them? We all grew up watching "The Problem Child" and we've all seen horror stories on the news, but the fact is that these aren't the norm.

First it's important to realize that these behaviors that are so looked down upon are normal for children that are in foster care. These children are in foster care because they've been abused or neglected. As their parent it is my job to take those behaviors and give a supportive place to help those children grow. Knowing that my son or daughter was potentially abused or neglected breaks my heart. It solidifies my resolve that we are doing the right thing. During our last class I slipped my husband a little note telling him how I felt and his response was beautiful; "It just means that we will have to give them everything we can to make their life better." And we will.

Trust me when I tell you that you don't go in to this without fears. I have a huge fear about the safety of our animals. Kris and I love our fur babies with all of our hearts. They helped fill a void in our childless life in the first four years of our marriage, and they will continue to be extremely important in our life after parenthood. The idea that they would be hurt is inconceivable to me. Luckily Kris and I are going through extensive training with an amazing woman, Stephanie Adams from CBC Central Florida, and she is preparing us on how to deal with these situations, and for this I am forever grateful. 

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I'm scared. We're about to enter parenthood, but luckily for us it is by choice and we get to experience it in a unique way that most people aren't lucky enough to experience. Even though I'm scared, I am so unbelievably excited. I am so in love with a child I've never met, a child who is looking at the same moon I'm looking at right now. A child who deserves the world but has been given grief up until this point in their life. We can't wait to make the world a little bit happier. 

So yes, we know what we're getting in to. We're getting in to a family. Something unbreakable and magnificent. We're getting in to PTA meetings and field trips. We're getting in to family vacations to the beach or national parks. We're getting in to smiles and laughter and love. We're getting in to parenthood.

Kris and I are currently trying to raise money to help pay for the various expenses that are accrued from adopting, such as new furniture, clothes, matching events, and legal fees. If you have a moment and would mind taking a peek at our GoFundMe page, we would really appreciate it! Thanks! XOXO

Our First PRIDE Class!

Today Kris and I officially started the PRIDE (Parents' Resources for Information Development Education) classes that are required to adopt in our county. Today was orientation, the first part of an eleven week course intended to make you aware of the commitment you're making when you adopt out of the foster system. This isn't a new born or a toddler who you mold, this is a young human who has gone through trauma. It's so important to remember that it isn't about you as an adoptive parent, it's about the child. Why does s/he need? Where will s/he feel the most comfortable to grow and heal? 

Today was made extra special by some really special people- remember the best friend who got pregnant on her honeymoon from my first post? Her and her beautiful family are in town after the moved over a thousand miles away. I got to spend part of last night and most of the day with them. Let me tell you, this is the sweetest little man in the world. He has stolen my heart. Today reminded me of the day Rebecca told us she was pregnant. It was just about this time of the year, we barbecued and laughed and cried. Just like today. It just seemed to special to me to have them here for my moment. 

Spending time with the babe really reinforced our choice to adopt. This little man is so lucky to have a Mommy and Daddy who love him more than anything, then there is our future child, who is probably sitting in a group home right now wondering why they don't have parents, just like Kris and I wonder why we don't have kids. 

This child will help us heal just as much as we will help them heal. Nothing will get in our way of doing this. Nothing will stop me from finding my child and loving them. Thank all of you again for taking this journey with me. Please feel free to ask any questions or just voice your opinion! 

Things NOT to say to an Infertile Woman...

Wanna know what really pushes my buttons? When fertile women/men/couples say things to you that are just insensitive to your situation. And the worst part? Most of the time they don't even realize they are doing it. I'm going to start a list of Things NOT to say to an Infertile Woman. Please add yours in the comments!

MY FAVORITE:
**I was infertile too, once.**
-Trying is the best part!
-If it's in God's plans it will happen. (please remember that not all of us are religious, and even if we were, it's not your place to tell us what God's plan is.)
-You're young, it'll happen eventually. (I may be "young" but my husband and I have been married almost five years, all of which we were unsuccessful at conceiving.)
-Go on vacation! 
-Just Relax, once you relax it'll happen. 
-Ugh, be glad you're not pregnant! I hated dealing with the morning sickness!
-Have you tried a different position? (We already have to go through the humiliation of invasive doctor's appointments, we don't need to tell you the details of our sex life. Unless you're in to that- in which case, Get it Tiger!)

Now on to Things You Should Say to an Infertile Woman!

-What can I do for you?
-I've done a little research, can I ask you a few questions?
-I support any choice you make in regards to your body.

Keep on adding to the list! Let's see how long we can make it!

Well, I am a bit crazy...

So excited to be a mom!

It's Like Your First Doctor's Appointment...

WE MET WITH THE ADOPTION AGENCY TODAY!!!!

The best way I can describe today is, it is what I imagine it feels like when you go to the doctor's office and find out you're pregnant. Today was the Question and Answer session for anyone wanting to foster or adopt children who are currently in foster care or a home. It was held in a church right down the road from my old high school, which is where my mom is still an English teacher. It is also in the neighborhood where my husband took me on our first date (coffee and a walk around a park.) It seemed kinda symbolic to me that the place where we started our journey to become parents is the same place where I not only formed my core values and work ethic, but where my husband first won me over. My mom came with us for emotional support (I'm a crier,) and because she is much better at thinking of important questions then I am. Plus, it is SO important to have an external support system when going through the process of adopting and parenting.

You can see us posing in front of the sign outside of the church the Q&A was held in, what you can't see is the lovely social worker holding it up for us to take a picture because the wind blew it over. I knew from the second she didn't make me feel like a silly billy for taking a picture outside that these people were the real deal. Every person who worked for Community Based Care of Central Florida (CBC) was so genuine and wonderful, they were honest and inspiring.

First there was a 20 minute power point given by two of the ladies who work for CBC. They explained how the majority of the children that are up for adoption are older then 8 years old, they all have some sort of emotional, behavioral, or physical disorder of some degree, whether that be asthma or downs syndrome. One of the most important things they stressed was the affordability of adopting through the foster system. These children need families so bad. A family can be the difference between someone becoming the next President or someone ending up in prison for the rest of their lives. Did you know that 80% of the prison population is made up of people who wee in the foster system? 80%!!! If there were more families willing to bring one of these children in to their homes, that number would drastically reduce.

After the power point was what I thought was the most touching, honest, raw, and hopeful part of the meeting. We spent about an hour and a half speaking with a panel of adoptive parents, foster parents, social workers, and a foster child about a myriad of things. They were honest in the fact that they didn't candy coat what you'll be going through. One of the social workers described bringing a foster child in to your home through adoption is kind of like taking the most rambunctious child you knew and put them in a situation where they are now living with strangers with different rules, habits, and home then they are used to. Then we heard from two parents who were originally going to adopt one child, but ended up with a sibling group of 3 girls. We then heard from Issac, who has lived in foster care most of his life. It was heartbreaking to hear his story, but it solidified my feeling that I was meant to help someone like Issac. Heck, maybe Kris and I are meant to take in a sibling group of our own. 

In a few days I am heading to Las Vegas for work, and a few days after I return Kris and I will be starting the PRIDE classes, which is the first step to actively pursuing our dream of being parents! I feel so whole and happy. I feel like I have this glow coming from me, like I'm radiating excitement and hope. Thank you to the 300 people who read my first post yesterday and the people who have reached out to me. You're all part of my support system, so I thank you. I look forward to writing more posts about our journey and about infertility. Stay tuned!  

Welcome to my blog!

       The day we decided to adopt was one of the worst days I've had in a long time. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but its true. But before I get to the specific day that we made this life changing choice, there is something you should know. I am infertile. Like many couples who decide to go the adoption route, we can't have our own biological children. One month before Kris and I got married, I was rushed in to surgery for massive pelvic pain. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, a painful condition where the uterine lining grows where it shouldn't and creates painful adhesions that makes it extremely difficult to conceive. We tried for almost five years, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant. I went on medications and have had too many painful and invasive procedures and ultrasounds. It got to the point that I lost almost all hope to have baby of my own.
     During this time I saw what seemed like everyone I knew on Facebook get pregnant and have beautiful and happy babies. Every time I saw a new baby photo shoot, I would sob. Every time I walked past a pregnant woman, I felt like a failure. I slowly let go of any friendships my husband and I had when those friends had babies. It felt like I would never be happy and I would never have a family of my own. You see, I'm a product of a divorced household. My parents separated when I was 3. I still remember the day my dad left, me sobbing and begging and pleading him to stay, the look of pain in his eyes as he walked away, the hurt my mom felt. I was lucky enough that my parents stayed cordial and put up with each other for my sake, but I'm pretty sure this is why I feel this desperate longing to have a whole family that was all mine. A family that I made out of love, and that I supported in every way I know how.
     The defining moment of 'giving-up' on my fertility was when my best friend got pregnant on her honeymoon. I didn't know how to feel, I was so torn between utter joy and happiness that she was going to be a mom and complete despair, because I was still barren after four years of trying. I remember her pulling out a positive pregnancy test from her purse and I felt all of the blood drain from my head, I got dizzy, and I really had to pull it together. To be honest, I probably wasn't the best friend she needed that night. My mind felt a million miles away from my body. I tried to make stupid jokes so I would have a reason to smile when I felt like I was shattering in to a thousand pieces. I still feel guilty to this day for not being the best friend I could have been.
     And then there is dealing with pregnant women. Remember when I say this, my perception is my reality, and my perception was that almost every one of the at least six pregnant people I knew in the past few years has complained A LOT about their pregnancy, with the exception of my bestie, because she's awesome and pretty sensitive to what I'm going through. But seriously, for each "My feet hurt," or "Be glad you don't have to deal with the swelling," I wanted to punch a bunny in the face. And that's saying a lot since I'm an animal rights advocate. It felt like I was going to %&$#ing EXPLODE every time I heard I complaint. I wanted to shake them and yell, "I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HAVE SORE FEEL AND CANKLES!" But I didn't and I don't. I usually nod my head and stay silent.
     Remember how I said that the day we decided to adopt was one of the worst days I've had in a while? Well, here it goes... I am in retail management and work at an extremely busy mall in a tourist town. That day there was what seemed to be a huge number of families and pregnant women that went to my shop. I don't know why on that particular day I took it personally, but I did. I was so mad at them for being able to do what my body refused. On my hour long commute home, I cried. Not just little tear drops falling from my cheeks, no, these were wails. I was keening and pining for the children my body would never have. Huge alligator tears gashed their way down my face, which now looked like a river of mascara and eyeliner. I got home and fell in to my husband's arms, just inconsolable. After an hour or so of grieving, I calmed down and sat in front of my computer. A picture popped up on my facebook feed. It was of my mom's brother with his two adopted sons. They looked like such a happy family. It was at that moment, after years of talking about it, that I knew I was ready to adopt. I knew that this was it, the right way to start my family. I was happy that I knew this was the moment, but I was scared because I didn't know if my husband felt the same way. I looked at him and told him how I felt, and then the most beautiful thing happened. He said yes. That he was ready and wanted it too. I imagine that's what it feels like to find out you and you spouse are expecting. Then we had one more important realization, that we weren't going to just adopt a baby, we were going to adopt a young child out of the foster system. One of my friends in middle school was a foster child, and all she wanted growing up was a family to call her own. There are so many children that are alive, that need us to care, that need us to want them. And I do. I want them. My child is so unbelievably wanted, even if he or she doesn't know it yet. Tomorrow Kris and I start the process with our first meeting with the adoption agency. I plan on documenting each step along the way, because I want the other 6.1 million women(in the US) that are suffering along side of me to know that they aren't alone. The world still needs you to be a mother, maybe just not in the way you thought.