The System

Kris and I are finishing up our classes to become certified to adopt. We have a total of 9 hours left before we can start our home study, even though we have decided to take a few months before we do so. Kris and I have leased the same two bedroom condo for three years now, and have decided that we want to start our new life with our family in a house with a yard. We also realized that where our life is simple with one car right now, once our child comes in to our lives, two cars might be better. Plus we need a new computer and want new furniture as well. We decided to take a couple of months after our lease is up to stay with my mom so we can buy the things we need/want and put a few grand aside for emergencies and all of the costs that come along with having children. Then on to our home study!

Today we met the son of our PRIDE instructor. He was 13 when he was adopted. Throughout our classes we've heard so many stories of the hard and rewarding aspects of adopting an older child. As my readers (and friends and family) know, I am an honest person. I will tell you exactly what I feel, what I believe to be right and wrong, and pretty much whatever is on my mind, which is why I'm about to be super honest with you right now. I'm scared to think about the violence that might be brought in to our house after adopting. For all I know, there won't be a violent bone in my child's body, but the children who are being adopted through the foster system have all been through hell and back, and have survived to re-live the tale over and over again in their heads. I understand why children in the system have violent tendencies. For a lot of them, that is all they ever knew. To them, seeing a happy family smiling and laughing is weird. My fear about violence isn't, "Will I get hurt?" Let's be honest, this is parenthood. Of course you'll get hurt. My fear is that if my child has violent tendencies, which  we will work diligently to heal if that is the case, is that my friends and family might not want him around. What if my best friend thinks he's a bad influence for her son? Or if my sister-in-law is afraid to babysit him? What if my family ostracizes him? My family and friends are awesome, and I don't think they would intentionally do these things, but it's hard not to wonder. Our instructor's son used to corner her and punch holes in the wall right next to her face. He's 25 now, married and with his first child on the way. Today when he talked to us he explained that that violence was his normal growing up. He never once saw a loving and stable relationship. Plus he wasn't sure about the permanency of his adoption. He tested it, which is to be expected. When he realized that his mom wasn't go to kick him out and on to another foster family or group home, he realized that this was HIS family. The way he talked about his mom made it VERY clear that he loves her with all of his heart, and it hurts him that he put her through that. I really hope that my child will feel the same way about me.

I want to end this post on a positive note, though. When I finally realized that I wouldn't be able to give birth I realized that my name would never be on a birth certificate. It broke my heart for a long while, but today we found out that after our adoption is finalized our child will be issued a fresh new birth certificate with our names on it for parents. How cool is that?!?